Nurse Lucy Letby sobbed in the witness box as she told jurors it was ‘sickening’ to discover she was being blamed for a spate of baby deaths.

She is alleged to have murdered seven and tried to kill 10 more while working on the neonatal unit of the Countess of Chester Hospital between June 2015 and June 2016. 

Letby, 33, has been described as a ‘constant malevolent presence’ in their care, surreptitiously targeting the infants by various means, including injecting them with air and insulin poisoning.

Wearing a black top and black trousers, she was flanked by two female prison officers as she walked from the dock to begin giving evidence seven months into her trial. 

She was watched by her parents, John Letby, 76, and Susan Letby, 62, as well as relatives of the children she is said to have murdered, as she told jurors the allegations had ruined her life and left her with PTSD.

Letby described how she ‘always wanted to work with children’ and cared for ‘hundreds’ of babies during the time the attacks are said to have occurred.  

Asked if she wanted to hurt any of them, she replied: ‘No, that’s completely against being what a nurse is.’ 

She said she was first informed she was being blamed for the deaths of babies in a letter from the Royal College of Nursing in September 2016.

Her barrister Ben Myers KC asked how this made her feel.

‘It was sickening. I just could not believe it. It was devastating. I don’t think you could be accused of anything worse than that,’ she replied.

‘My job was my life. My whole world was stopped.’

Mr Myers asked: ‘If you think back to when you were a young woman, you were 25, 26, before you were being blamed for what happened, are you the same person?

Letby replied: ‘Everything has completely changed. Everything about me and my life, the hopes I had for the future, everything has gone.

‘There were times when I did not want to live. I thought of killing myself.’

Mr Myers said: ‘Had you done anything wrong?’ Letby replied: ‘No.’

He said: ‘Then why did you think of killing yourself?’ Letby replied: ‘Because of what was being inferred.’

She was quizzed about a Post-It note found at her home after she was arrested, on which she scrawled ‘I killed them on purpose because I’m not good enough’ and ‘I am evil I did this’. 

Asked why she wrote those words, Letby said: ‘Because I felt at the time, I had done something wrong and I thought I’m such an awful, evil person … that I had made mistakes and not known.’ 

Mr Myers asked: ‘What had you thought you had done?’ 

Letby said: ‘That somehow, I had been incompetent, and I had done something wrong to affect these babies. I felt I must be responsible in some way.’ 

Mr Myers said: ‘How were you coping with the situation you were in at the time you wrote this note?’ 

Letby said: ‘Looking back now, I was really struggling. This was a way of me expressing what I was not able to say to anyone. 

‘It’s what I do regularly, it can be on any piece of paper.’ 

Letby was also asked about hundreds of searches for people on her Facebook, some of which related to the parents of babies she is accused of harming.

Mr Myers asked if there was anything sinister in looking them up, saying: ‘Because, you understand, that’s the suggestion that’s being made, you understand? It’s babies you have hurt. Is that what it’s about?’

Letby replied: ‘It’s not.’

The barrister asked: ‘Why are you searching?’ Letby said: ‘They’re just people that have crossed my mind at that time. It’s general curiosity that I look at a lot of people.’

Mr Myers said: ‘Hurt them or do something to them?’

‘No,’ replied Letby. ‘I was always on my phone.’

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Turning to the charges against her, Mr Myers said: ‘You understand the allegations are of murder and of attempted murder?’

Letby said: ‘Yes.’

Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever tried to kill any baby you cared for?’

Letby replied: ‘No.’

Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever intentionally harmed or tried to intentionally harm any babies as alleged.’

Letby said: ‘No, never.’

The barrister went on: ‘Have you ever introduced air intravenously or forced air down a nasogastric tube?’

Letby replied: ‘No I haven’t.’

Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever done that with the intention of killing a baby?’ ‘No,’ said the defendant. Mr Myers went on: ‘Or any other reason for that matter?’ ‘No,’ repeated Letby.

Her barrister asked: ‘Have you ever overfed a baby with the intention of killing him or her?’ Letby said: ‘No, never.’ Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever done that to a baby for any other reason?’ ‘No,’ said Letby.

Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever used insulin with the intention of killing a baby or harming him in some other way?’ ‘No,’ said Letby. Mr Myers said: ‘Have you ever committed a physical assault on a baby in your care with the intention of killing them or hurting them?’ The defendant replied: ‘No.’

The barrister asked: ‘What did you want to do with the babies you were looking after?’ Letby said: ‘To care for them. To do my best for them. To help them.’

She denies all allegations. Her trial continues. 

For emotional support you can call the Samaritans 24-hour helpline on 116 123, email [email protected], visit a Samaritans branch in person or go to the Samaritans website.

If you're a young person, or concerned about a young person, you can also contact PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide UK. Their HOPELINK digital support platform is open 24/7, or you can call 0800 068 4141, text 07860039967 or email: [email protected] between the hours of 9am and midnight.

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